Jokes.txt

Why was Samuel Morse bad at canoeing? He did not have a dual paddle HEE/EE
What did professional navy radio operators earn? A continuous wage HEE/EE
I was kicked out of the CW class. The teacher said I send in worse code HEE/EE
This low power station is hard to copy. Its Q R P HEE/EE
Why is it hard to operate from a hilltop? You have continuous wind HEE/EE
What is a ham's favorite fish? Sotabreams HEE/EE
Which ham shop has the worst Christmas deals? Martin Grinch HEE/EE
What do you call a very bad CW? A WC HEE/EE
Why is it hard to operate /MM? You have continuous waves HEE/EE
Where can you hear QRQ code? On the high waves HEE/EE
Why was the traveller confused by radio stations? There are too many lines and no train HEE/EE
What do you get by crossing a centipede and a parrot? A walkie-talkie HEE/EE
What is the favourite car of young hams? The Toyota HEE/EE
Why do alpacas not know CW? Because they are llamateur HEE/EE
What is the best borough for a ham QTH? Lewisham HEE/EE
What does a ham ask Santa for Christmas? A new XMAST HEE/EE
What do hams wish each other for Christmas? Happy New Gear HEE/EE
Why do you not break up with a ham girlfriend? She would CQ HEE/EE
Where do hams buy their clothes? H and F HEE/EE
Why can you not transmit from a train station? There are too many lines and no dot HEE/EE
What do you say when they call CQ on your QRG? QSwhy? HEE/EE
Where do hams refuel? At QESSO HEE/EE
Why are hams friendly? They wave at you HEE/EE
What do you call a sloppy CW operator? A CWOOOPS HEE/EE
What do you call 5 people waiting for a bus in Chelmsford? QESSEX HEE/EE
Which animal does not know CW? The SSBEE HEE/EE
What is the stinkiest TX mode? SSPEE HEE/EE
Which animal is always on the air? The Beecon HEE/EE

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool?  Rad ish.
I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory?  She took a day off.
Worrying works, Case in point, 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate. I told them, "Just you wait"  HEE/EE
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?  If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which comes first.
What do you call a magician who lost his magic?  Ian.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am OK.
I went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, "How do I get to the other side of the river?" The other man yells, "You are on the other side of the river"  HEE/EE
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?  Because Batman has sworn to protect Goth ham.
Every morning, I announce that I'm going running, but then I don't. It's a running joke.
Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?  Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot.
What state is known for its small drinks?  Minnesota.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?  A barberqueue.
I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?  He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I know they say money talks, but all mine says is "goodbye."
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?  Because to them, love means nothing HEE/EE
I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  Look for the fresh prints.
Do I know any jokes about sodium?  Na.
70 percent of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.
If you have six oranges in one hand and eight bananas in another, what do you have?  Big hands.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What did zero say to eight?  Nice belt.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?  I don't know, and I don't care.
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I just found out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at.
What's the difference between blackeyed peas and chickpeas?  Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can hummus one.
What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?  Put it on my bill.
A termite walks into a bar. He says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
Did you hear that Larry got a new job working for Old MacDonald?  He's the new CIEIO.
Apparently, you can't use the words "beef stew" as a password. It's just not stroganoff.
What did one plate say to the other plate?  Dinner is on me.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?  Supplies HEE/EE
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
Why do bananas never get lonely?  Because they hang out in bunches.
Why did the student eat his homework?  Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?  To get a filling.
What do you call bears with no ears?  B.
Who built King Arthur's round table?  Sir Cumference.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?  A gummy bear HEE/EE
Why did the car get a flat tire?  Because there was a fork in the road.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  Ten tickles.
How did the Vikings communicate?  With Norse code.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.
What do you call a well dressed lion?  A dandelion.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.
What kind of car does an egg drive?  A Yolkswagen.
There were two muffins in an oven, and one said, "It's getting hot in here, isn't it?" The other muffin gasped, "Aah, A talking muffin"  HEE/EE
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?  A ba na na na.
What do you call a female chicken staring at a pile of lettuce?  A Chicken Caesar Salad.
How do trees access their email?  They log in.
Why don't scientists trust atoms?  They make up everything HEE/EE
Which program do Jedi use to sign their files?  Adobe Sign Kenobi.
What is the best way to criticize your boss?  Very quietly, so she cannot hear you.
Our computers went down at the office today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 15 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
How do folks at NASA organize a party?  They planet.
Why don't comedians tell unemployment jokes?  None of them work.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?  Fo drizzle.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?  None, that's a hardware issue.
A salesperson came into an office one day and said, "This computer will cut your workload by 50 percent." The office manager replied, "Great, I'll take two of them."  HEE/EE
What do you call someone who is happy on Mondays?  Unemployed.
What do you call 12 people doing the work of one?  A committee.
Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?  I asked him and he said, "I still love Vista, baby."
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
What kind of award does the world's top dentist get?  A little plaque.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Archaeologist, someone whose career lies in ruins.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around HEE/EE
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?  He got 12 months HEE/EE
Why does the golfer wear two pairs of pants?  Because he's afraid he might get a hole in one HEE/EE
I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed HEE/EE
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?  Because of all the sand which is there.
Two antennas decided to get married. The ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great HEE/EE
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield?  Too many ears.
What does a vegan zombie like to eat?  Graaains.
What's the difference between a well dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle?  A tire.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?  Make me one with everything.
What do you call a pigeon who can't find his way home?  A pigeon.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him, so I did. We went out, had a few drinks, saw a movie. Great guy.
How many sailors are Pirates?  3.14 percent.
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?  I have no idea, I don't speak French.
I was raised as an only child—and that got on my brother's nerves.
Why don't vampires bet on horses?  They can't handle the stakes.
A man rushed into a doctor's surgery, shouting, "Help me, please, I'm shrinking." The doctor calmly said, "Now settle down a bit. You'll just have to learn to be a little patient."
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?  The stock market.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?  I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?  Never mind, I shouldn't be spreading it.


I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers 
Why did the scarecrow win an award?  Because he was outstanding in his field 
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already 
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?  He just needed a little space 
I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it's an uplifting experience 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  It was two tired 
I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands 
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet 
What do you call fake spaghetti?  An impasta 
Why don't skeletons fight each other?  They don't have the guts 
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised 

Why did the math book look sad?  Because it had too many problems 
What did one wall say to the other wall?  I'll meet you at the corner 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?  Nacho cheese 
Why did the computer go to the doctor?  It had a virus 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 

Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the punchline on the other side
Why did the bicycle fall over?   Because it was two tired 
How does a penguin build its house?   Igloos it together 
Why did the math book look sad?   Because it had too many problems 
What did one wall say to the other wall?   I'll meet you at the corner 

Why did the computer go to the doctor?   It had a virus 
What did the ocean say to the beach?   Nothing, it just waved 
Why did the tomato turn red?   Because it saw the salad dressing 
How does a scientist freshen her breath?   With experimints 
What do you call fake spaghetti?   An impasta 
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?   Because it felt crummy 

What do you call an alligator in a vest?   An investigator 
Why was the math book sad?   It had too many problems 
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?    An abdominal snowman 
Why did the belt get arrested?   For holding up a pair of pants 
What do you call a sleeping bull?   A bulldozer 

Why did the cookie go to school?  Because it wanted to be a smart cookie 
What did the big flower say to the little flower?  “Hey, bud” 
Why was the computer cold?  It left its Windows open 
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?  A dino snore 
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?  Because she will let it go 

What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?  Sofishticated 
Why did the student eat his homework?  Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake 
What do you call a bear that's stuck in the rain?  A drizzly bear 
Why did the music teacher go to jail?  Because she got caught with too many sharp notes.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?  Frostbite 
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?  Because it was stuffed.
How do you organize a space party?  You planet
Why did the picture go to jail?  Because it was framed.
Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?  Because he wanted to go to high school 
What do you call a magical dog?  A labracadabrador 
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?  Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels 

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?  A carrot 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
What did one volcano say to the other?  I lava you 

Where do old Volkswagons go? To the old volks home

What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta 
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?  Because all the fans left 
How do you make a tissue dance?  You put a little boogie in it HEE/EE
What do you call a bear with no ears?  B 
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks?  In case he got a hole in one 
Why did the cookie cry?  Because its mom was a wafer (away for) so long 
What did one plate say to another plate?  Dinner's on me 
Why did the math book look so sad?  It had too many problems 
What do you call a snowman in the summer?  A puddle 
Why did the computer go to the beach?  To surf the net 
Why are ghosts bad liars?  Because you can see right through them 
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?  Because they have no body to go with 
Why did the chicken join a band?  Because it had the drumsticks 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?  Because it felt crummy 
Why did the computer go to the dentist?  It had a byte that hurt 
What do you call a dog magician?  A labracadabrador 
How do you catch a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut 
Why did the math book look so unhappy?  Because it had too many problems 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?  Nothing, they just waved 
Why was the math book sad?  It had too many problems 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
What did one wall say to the other?  I'll meet you at the corner 
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?  Because he wanted to go to high school 

What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta 
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?  Because it was stuffed 
Why did the computer go to the beach?  To surf the net 
What do you call a bear with no ears?  B 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
Why did the cookie cry?  Because its mom was a wafer (away for) so long 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?  Because they have no body to go with 
How do you organize a space party?  You planet 
What did one volcano say to the other?  I lava you 
Why did the music teacher go to jail?  Because she got caught with too many sharp notes 
Why did the picture go to jail?  Because it was framed 
Why are ghosts bad liars?  Because you can see right through them 

What do you call a bear that's stuck in the rain?  A drizzly bear 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
How do you organize a space party?  You planet 
What did one wall say to the other wall?  I'll meet you at the corner 
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?  Because they have no body to go with 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
Why did the music teacher go to jail?  Because she got caught with too many sharp notes 
What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?  Sofishticated 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?  Because all the fans left 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
What did the big flower say to the little flower?  “Hey, bud” 
Why did the cookie cry?  Because its mom was a wafer (away for) so long 

Why did the computer go to the party?  Because it wanted to have a byte 
What do you call a dancing sheep?  A baa llerina 
Why did the music teacher go to jail?  Because she got caught with too many sharp notes 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
What do you call a bear with no ears?  B 

How do you organize a space party?  You planet 
What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
What did the big flower say to the little flower?  “Hey, bud” 
Why did the cookie cry?  Because its mom was a wafer (away for) so long 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 

What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?  Sofishticated 
Popular Today:  200+ Bio Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud Today

Why did the chicken join a band?  Because it had the drumsticks 
What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta 
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?  Because all the fans left 
What did one plate say to another plate?  Dinner's on me 

What did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
Why did the cookie cry?  Because its mom was a wafer so long 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the computer go to the beach?  To surf the net 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 

Why did the employee bring a ladder to work?  Because they wanted to reach new heights 
What do you call a computer that sings?  A Dell 
Why did the coffee file a police report?  It got mugged 
How do you organize a fantastic space party?  You planet 
What did the paper say to the pencil?  Write on 
Why was the math book sad?  It had too many problems 
Why did the employee stay at their desk?  They wanted to work on their “typing” skills 
What do you call a group of musical whales?  An orca stra 
Why did the manager bring a pencil to the meeting?  To draw up some ideas 
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?  A can't opener 
Why did the computer go to the doctor?  It had a virus 
What did one printer say to the other?  “Could you please lift my paper?” 
Why did the employee bring string to work?  To tie up loose ends 
What do you call a factory that makes good products?  A satisfactory 
Why was the office desk always happy?  Because it had a lot of good “support” 
What do you call a bear that works in an office?  A “bear ista” 
Why did the calendar apply for a job?  It wanted to work on its dates 
How does a computer get drunk?  It takes screenshots 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 

What do you call a bear with no ears?  B 
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?  Because all the fans left 
Why did the computer go to the beach?  To surf the net 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?  Sofishticated 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
What did one plate say to another plate?  Dinner's on me 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
What do you call a dancing sheep?  A baa llerina 

What did the big flower say to the little flower?  “Hey, bud” 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?  Sofishticated 

How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the computer go to the beach?  To surf the net 
What do you call a bear with no ears?  B 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 
Why was the broom late?  It swept in 
What did one plate say to another plate?  Dinner's on me 
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?  Because they have no body to go with 

Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
Why did the chicken join a band?  Because it had the drumsticks 

Why did the computer go to the doctor?  It had a virus 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
What do you call fake spaghetti?  An impasta 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 

What did one wall say to the other wall?  I'll meet you at the corner 
Why did the math book look sad?  Because it had too many problems 
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?  A pouch potato 
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?  Because it ran out of juice 

Why was the broom late?  It swept in 

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?  Because it felt crummy 
Why did the computer go to the dentist?  It had a byte that hurt 
How do you catch a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut 
Why did the math book look so unhappy?  Because it had too many problems 

Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
Why was the math book sad?  It had too many problems 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
What did one wall say to the other?  I'll meet you at the corner 
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?  Because he wanted to go to high school 

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?  Because it felt crummy 
Why did the computer go to the dentist?  It had a byte that hurt 
How do you catch a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut 
Why did the math book look so unhappy?  Because it had too many problems 
Why did the bicycle fall over?  Because it was two tired 
Why was the math book sad?  It had too many problems 
How does a penguin build its house?  Igloos it together 
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing 
What did one wall say to the other?  I'll meet you at the corner 
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?  Because he wanted to go to high school 

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait "
What do we want?  Low flying airplane noises  When do we want them?  NEEEEYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW 
What building in New York has the most stories?  The public library.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What washes up on very small beaches?  Micro waves.
How does a farmer mend his overalls?  With cabbage patches.
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
Why were they called the Dark Ages?  Because there were lots of knights.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?  "Hi bud "
How did the hipster burn his mouth?  He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?  Because he's a pain in the neck.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?  Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?  The same middle name.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Do you want to hear a roof joke?  The first one's on the house.
What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?  Go straight for the juggler.
I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting.
Why did the taxi driver get fired?  Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.
How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?  Just follow the fresh prints.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?  You probably think it's “R” but it be the “C.”
Why can you never gossip in a cornfield?  Too many ears.
Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments?  Mount Rushmore.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?  Because he always has a great fall.
It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans.
Why should you never trust stairs?  They're always up to something.
How do mountains stay warm in the winter?  Snowcaps.
What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?  A roamin' Catholic.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?  Thunderpants.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?  Attire.
What is the best day to go to the beach?  Sunday, of course.

What bow can't be tied?  A rainbow.
Is this pool safe for diving?  It deep ends.
I tried to catch fog yesterday but I mist.
What did 0 say to 8?  "Nice belt."
How do billboards talk?  Sign language.
What's a foot long and slippery?  A slipper.
What's the easiest way to get straight As?  Use a ruler.
What's a balloon's least favorite type of music?  Pop.
What does a house wear?  Address.
Can February March?  No, but April May.
What is red and smells like blue paint?  Red paint.
What do dentists call their xrays?  Tooth pics.

What did the frustrated cat say?  "Are you kitten me right meow?"
Why aren't koalas actual bears?  They don't have the right koalafications.
A group of crows was arrested for hanging out together. The charge?  Attempted murder.
What time does a duck wake up?  The quack of dawn.
Have you heard the one about the skunk?  Never mind, it really stinks.
What do you call a pile of kittens?  A meowntain.
What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backward?  A receding hare line.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What did the frustrated cat say?  "Are you kitten me right meow?"
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog?  He wanted to get a long little doggie.
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?  Because they're really good at it.
Why was the teddy bear not hungry?  Because he was already stuffed.
Why do bees have such sticky hair?  Because they use a honeycomb.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.
Why do spiders make such great baseball players?  Because they catch flies.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?  Hailing taxis.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  Ten tickles.
How does a dog stop a video?  By hitting the paws button.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?  One is really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
What do you get from a pampered cow?  Spoiled milk.

Have you heard about Murphy's Law?  Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law?  No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?  The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Hey did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease?  It makes cows go completely insane " The other cow replies, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper."Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."
A grasshopper sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you " The grasshopper replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve'?"
I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a purebread dog.
You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?  Of course  The Empire State Building can't jump.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you "
I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I submitted 10 puns to a joke writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."
Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance?  The Meat Ball.
Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?  "Breathe, man  Breathe "
What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?  There was nothing left but deBrie.
What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?  They're both red except for the green one.
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?  It had great food, but no atmosphere.
Why did the tomato blush?  Because it saw the salad dressing.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  "Make me one with everything."
What do you get when you pour root beer into a square cup?  Beer.

Knock, knock. Who's there?  Beets. Beets who?  Beets me 
Knock, knock. Who's There?  To. To who?  It's actually "to whom."
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Olive. Olive who?  Olive you 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Interrupting cow. Interrupting c–MOO 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Beets. Beets who?  Beets me 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Who. Who who?  What are you, an owl?
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Leash. Leash who?  Leash you could do is answer the doorbell 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Adam. Adam who?  Adam my way, I'm coming in 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Lena. Lena who?  Lena little closer and I'll tell you 
Knock, knock. Who's there?  Theodore. Theodore who?  Theodore wasn't open so I knocked 
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?  He won the "no bell" prize.

What did one toilet say to the other?  "You look flushed."
What's sticky and brown?  A stick.
I used to be addicted to not showering. Luckily, I've been clean for five years.
What does the world's top dentist get?  A little plaque.
What did the nose say to the finger?  "Quit picking on me."
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "Wow, it's pretty hot in here." The other one shouted, "Wow, a talking muffin "
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

When a form that asks "who to contact in case of an emergency," I always write "an ambulance."
If you garden in your back yard naked, your neighbors will build you a free privacy fence.
During a job interview, the interviewer asked "Why should I offer you a job?"  I said, "Well, my best friend works in your IT department and told me you were having an affair with your secretary."
Three things that tell the truth, Small Children, Drunks and Yoga Pants.
I was standing on the bathroom scale sucking in my stomach.  My wife said "Thats not going to help"  I replied "Yes it does, its the only way I can see the numbers."
When I married Miss Right, I didn't realize her first name was "Always."
My wife told me that my 5 year old son wasnt mine.  She said I need to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.